


Pants

by AsterRoc



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: (trust me i'm a physicist i know when the science is bad), Comic Book Science, Crack, Dubious Science, Fake Science, Handwavy Science, JARVIS is a little shit, M/M, Mad Science, cursing, misuse of physics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-05-29 05:45:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6361768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsterRoc/pseuds/AsterRoc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“How about we put on some pants and figure this out?”</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pants

**Author's Note:**

  * For [asamandra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/asamandra/gifts).



> Prompted by asamandra: Ironhawk 12? ;)

The windows to Stark’s lab are blacked out as Natasha approaches.  Stark must have added that capability after the last time they’d been smashed during one of his shenanigans.  

Natasha shrugs and keys in her code into the keypad.  The light atop the box blinks red twice and it beeps back in a forlorn tone indicating failure.  Since no humans are present to see and JARVIS would measure her reaction even without facial changes, Natasha chooses to let her frown show, and raises her hand again.  Same result.  She looks straight into the camera lens she knows is embedded in the corner of the keypad, and raises an eyebrow. 

“I’m sorry Agent Romanoff,” JARVIS says, “but Sir has requested he not be disturbed.”  

Natasha snorts softly to acknowledge.  She does not ask JARVIS to repeat his prior intelligence that Clint could be found in Stark’s workshop, and instead she decides to pass the time seeing what she can hear.  Natasha presses her left elbow against the glass wall, and her left index finger against the tragus, pushing the skin and cartilage so it covers over her ear canal, so that the vibrations from the glass can travel down her arm bones and into her ear, amplifying the sounds.  

Closing her eyes and breathing as smoothly as she is able, Natasha at first only hears machine noise and fans, but as she listens she begins to be able to make out other sounds.  She hears a murmur of voices, and skin slapping together.  And after a time…

 

_ Clint: “It won’t fit!” _

_ Tony: “That’s because you’re going in backwards.” _

_ Clint: [indecipherable] _

_ Tony: “Look, maybe if we greased you up…”  _

_ Clint: “I’m already sweating like a stuck pig!” _

_ Tony: “Hawt.” _

_ Clint: “Tony!” _

_ Tony: “Yes dear?” _

_ Clint: “Believe--” [indecipherable] “--serious here.”   _

_ Tony: “I do find that hard to believe.” _

_ Clint: “Hard… Yeah, harder!” _

_ Tony: [grunts] _

_ Clint: [grunts]  _

_ Clint: “Seriously, I can’t get it in!”  _

_ Tony: “How about we put on some pants and figure this out?” _

_ Clint: [moans] _

 

Natasha smirks and takes her ear away from the glass wall.  “JARVIS, be a dear and let me know when Clint’s available.”

“Of course, Agent Romanoff.”  She knows the AI can’t smirk, but he certainly can inflect his voice to sound like it.  

 

_ Clint: “Har har, ‘put on some pants,’ you think you’re so funny, what do you think I’m trying to do here!”  _

_ Clint: [more grunts]  _

_ Clint: “Okay, explain to me again how this happened?” _

_ Tony: “Teleportation.  E=mc^2, as everyone knows.  The key is after breaking you down into your component molecules--” _

_ Clint: [tearing noise] _

_ Clint: “Shit.” _

_ Tony: “--the machine has to rearrange them back in the original order--”   _

_ Clint: “Aw, pants, no.” _

_ Tony: “--but apparently I had a negative sign wrong so that everything below the thigh was reflected over the x-z plane--” _

_ Clint: “That’s it, do you have any kilts?” _

_ Tony: “--and that’s why your knees and feet are all pointed backwards.  That’s brilliant!  JARVIS, send someone up with a kilt!”  _

_ JARVIS: “Yes, Sir.” _

 

“Agent Romanoff?”  She has just gotten out of the elevator on her floor when JARVIS stops her.  

“Yes, JARVIS?”

“I believe now would be a fortuitous time for you to visit with Sir and Agent Barton.  However, would you be so kind as to please pick up a particular item of clothing on your way?”

Natasha raises an eyebrow, intrigued by this request.  

The glass to the workshop is still darkened when she returns, Utilikilt in hand.  

The shriek Clint lets out when he sees who JARVIS had bring the clothing easily drowns out the huff of laughter Natasha cannot suppress - not because of Clint’s ridiculous predicament, but because of her realization that JARVIS is a little shit.  But at least he’s one that likes her.  She snaps a picture and sends it to Pepper, easily managing to keep out of reach of the archer as he stumbles around figuring out how his backwards legs work.  

 

_ Clint: [yelling] “Natasha you better not send that goddamned picture!” _

_ Natasha: [laughs] _

_ Clint: [yelling] “Or take any video!  Tony you better fix my goddamned leg!” _

_ Tony: [laughs] _

_ Clint: [yelling] “JARVIS I have no fucking clue how I can get back at you for bringing Natasha, but I’ll figure out a way!” _

_ JARVIS: [silent] _

 

The next week at team movie night, Sam’s up visiting from DC.  He distributes hugs all around, saving the last one for Clint.  

“So…” he drawls out slowly, with a shit-eating grin on his face that has Clint shuffling nervously.  “I understand you really  _ were _ our bird boy for a bit there.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Clint replies without any real heat.  Natasha just smiles a small knowing smirk.  Clint is blushing red, and she sees the way Tony’s eyes light up as he watches the archer.  She may not have caught them in the act, but it’s only a matter of time.  

 

**Author's Note:**

> Birds’ knees actually only seem to bend backwards, what looks like their knee to us is actually their heel / ankle.


End file.
